Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Soap Opera

Okay... I think things have died down enough for me to post this eagerly awaited story for all my peeps who are curious. This is a story that will be told for years to come...

dec 10
christmas love and cheer was in the air when wooden-u-like-to-know (my ex) surprises us with an early christmas gift. Because he frequented our apartment in those days he felt obligated to offer a gift for all of us living in the house. he presented a very large christmas bag (i have to admit i liked the bag better than the gift) and we opened it together.

drum role......

dora the explorer bathtime fun soap paints. (hmm, nice)

we all thanked him while thoughts of re-gifting entered our minds. what the heck are grown women going to do with bath soap paints...

new years day 2008
i received an unexpected email from wooden-you-like-to-know informing me of his 'spiritual journey' and discovery of the fact that he does not love me and never did, at that. he explained that while we seemed perfectly compatible and our relationship was very strong and healthy he only loved me in his head and not in his heart. apparently he had felt this way for who knows how long and was putting off telling me until the time seemed right- maybe after we got engaged- that would have been a good time too. he ended the email with a compliment, that i am perfect- just not for him, and counciled me to have faith that i will someday find 'the one'.

midnight
i called him and of course he didn't answer his phone so i left a message: "will you please call me back- we should talk about this. you owe me an explanation- i don't understand what is going on and if you have the tiniest bit of decency you'll call me back and explain yourself."
nothing. i called again. and again. and again. finally there was no dial-tone and it went straight to his voicemail signifying that he turned his phone off.

the next morning
after enduring a sleepless night of anguished sobs and sorrow, and trying to gain rational thought about the whole thing i sat down to reply to his email. as soon as my fingertips hit the keys, venomous words erupted on the monitor screen. two pages later i clicked send and went about my day of quiet pondering and lethargy.

late that night
i returned home from a long day of- despite the feelings of rejection- fun with my brother in waipio valley on the big island. needless to say it was a great place to spend such a hard emotional day. i sat down to check my email and sure enough out of the courtesy of his good heart, wooden-you-like-to-know had sent me another email this time explaining in more concrete terms why we would not be able to work out our relationship. yes, you guessed it, he met a girl. fell in love. and he is positive without a doubt that this girl is the one.

ouch.

i suppose it should make me feel good to know that i was the girl who helped him know what he ...didn't...want.

2 a.m. sat, jan 12
while all were a-snooze and tucked warm in their beds the girls and I were wrapping up our man-hater party and preparing for some fun. what kind of fun you ask?

bathtime fun.

bathtime-soap-paint-on-his-CAR fun.

a driver, a photographer, an accomplice and i drove to the north shore to the spot of the crime scene and wrote some nice messages with white bar soap and then splatter painted with red, blue, yellow, and green. the deed took about 10 minutes. oh, i almost forgot the best part- we left a sweater i had in my possession wrapped up in the dora the explorer soap paint packaging with a note written on it that read: dear ____ , thank you so much of the dora the explorer bathtime fun soap paints!! it is the best christmas gift a girl like me could ever hope for! YAY!

11:00 a.m. sat, jan 12

knock. knock. knock.

"HELLO! ANYONE HOME!!"

i froze. i was sitting on my bed surfing the net while my roommate, the only other person in the house, resumed her position on the pot out of fear for the angry voice we cooperatively evaded. he called out again. for 10 seconds i quietly endured the sound of his gait circling the house and my own heart pounding. i summoned enough courage to peek out the window through the curtains only to see him still out in front of the house talking to his brother and circling his shiny, newly rinsed car.

11:05 a.m.
'another phone ring, another booblay sings...in paris or rome, i wanna go home'.
i let it ring.
'pin-pon', a voicemail.
i dialed my voicemail. a raging voice i have never heard before says, "OKAY, YOU NEED TO CALL ME BACK RIGHT NOW OR IT IS GOING TO GET REALLY UGLY WITH THE COPS!!"
no way, dude. i would rather talk to a friendly officer of the law than a raging maniac.

11:10
my roommate kat was inconspicuously walking toward the library when a sparkling clean car almost ran here over and called to her to get in the car. hesitating, but without protest, she jumped in the car.
"WHERE IS AMY! GET HER ON THE PHONE RIGHT NOW! I'M GONNA CALL THE COPS!! I KNOW YOU WERE IN ON THIS! WHERE IS SHE! CALL HER!"
"dude, chill out. i don't have my phone on me right now."
"I KNOW SHE PUT YOU AND JESSE UP TO THIS!"
"no, actually it was my idea."
as he proceeded to unleash his rage on the undeserving kat his brother sat out of view trying to hold back a chuckle at the whole ridiculous scene. somehow kat got away with the last words from wooden-you-like-to-know being "I'M CALLING THE COPS!"

11:20 a.m.
without knowing what transpired between him and kat (remember she didn't have her phone on her) i sat in my room with my roommate questioning me about what was going on. she just moved in so i apologized for dragging her into this. we locked our door and i asked her to continue checking out the window in case his car pulled up again.
it did.
we both froze.
with hearts racing we hid near the windows out of sight.
he called into the house again and as he stomped around the house and near our window i reached for my phone to turn off the ringtone. close one. but he didn't call me.

11:45 a.m.
by now my roommate and i are thoroughly freaked out and just praying his rage and determination doesn't find me wishing i hadn't been so stupid to test it in the first place.
we hear a car pulling into the driveway. i made her peek out and she confirmed that it was a cop car. a huge sigh of relief swept over me and i unlocked the door and went out into the living room. he took his sweet time but finally came to the door. i opened it before he had a chance to knock.
"come in officer."
"are you expecting me?" he asked, surprised.
"yes, did [wooden-you-like-to-know] contact you?"
"yes, are you [shimmybaby]?"
(sorry, to protect my identity, i must conceal even my own name)
"yes would you like to come in?"
he looked at me conspicuously and then said he needed to go and get some papers and police report forms and for me to get out my ID.
he read me my rights before i told him what had happened and calmly filled out a police report. during the interview he got a report from another officer that confirmed that no damage had been done to the car except a dent on the front bumper that wooden-you-know had claimed was not there the previous day. so the nice officer asked me if i had kicked the car or hit it with something in which i confidently denied. i promised him that my intentions were not to do any property damage and the whole thing was just a prank. childish though it may be, it was all done in retaliation to his neglectful rejection.
he chuckled, stopped himself and then berrated me with "this is not right- you should not have done what you did... but it is really funny."
amen.
we had a good talk and he advised me on get a restraining order if i felt there was need. after assuring me that the case would not go anywhere unless there were any proof that i had made the dent in the bumper, he asked if i had any more questions. i did.
"do you mind taking a picture with me?"
he gave me a sideways look and laughed, "you're kidding."
"for scrapbook purposes," i made an excuse.
he kindly posed for a picture and said his goodbyes. dang i wish i would have got his number because i knew i would never see him again.

BUT THE STORY DID NOT END THERE.....

6:30 p.m.
while the roomies and i were cleaning the kitchen and living room (we had cleaning inspections that day) two men walked up to the door and knocked. i looked over from the open refrigerator door and as my heart started to race i rolled my eyes back to my rag and cleaning up of the gunk caked on the interior of the freezer. a voice i couldn't face exclaimed, "ALRIGHT, WE NEED TO TALK!"
all i could think to say was, "as you can see i am a little busy right now."
but that didn't stop him from tearing into me. and get this, as he is yelling at me- he has the gall to say he wants to get a restraining order on ME. who needs the restraining order? geez!
after he accused me of kicking his car and losing my mind he left with the classic line, "I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN!"
my rebuttal: "i feel the same way asshole!"

I only wish closure could be as sweet for all the rest of the women in the world. MEN ARE PIGS!

9 comments:

Anonymous said...

*shakes head* Wunkies, I hope you learned a valuable lesson from all this. MOVE TO A NEW HOUSE BEFORE YOU SOAP YOU'RE EX'S CAR!!!

That is all.

NITE MARE

Life out Here said...

WOW- what a whirlwind breakup! What a psycho ex! What a player!

Did he take out the restraining order on you? Ha ha... that would be a laugh. Restrain Amy- she's insane.

Good job. I'm proud of you. That is so crazy how fast he switched around and was not the person you thought he was. I truly feel sorry for the "one" he has now. Maybe you should warn her?

Hmmm... I wonder if she knew about you?

Heavy D! said...

This is Doug:

The "Valuable Lesson" is Dump the chump who gives you Dora the Explora Crap, I can't believe you didn't immediately. That is a dumpable offense, on the spot, no questions asked. What a freak!!!!!!!!!

Life out Here said...

And- we both love you Amy! Please get rid of your restraining order on Doug, he still REALLY wants to be your friend!!

Oh. And seriously- time for a new ringtone- are you for REAL still playing that thing after 2.5 years??

shimmyshimmy said...

hey! i am too poor to buy a new ringtone. and there aren't any good ones anyway. I have john legend as my text message alert: 'holla, holla, holla- yo! you got a text message- wake up!!'
don't make fun G! what you got?

Anonymous said...

Yes, men are pigs but women are crafty. Why do I get the feeling that the main reason you soaped the poor coward's car in the first place was so you could blog about the inevitable craziness later? I'm so glad you did though - quick closure for you and a great story for the rest of us!

Nanu

Shelbot said...

crafty, nanu? i beg to disagree.

anyway, I do have to say that your retaliation is hilarious and maybe he reacted in such a way because he feels a little guilty for not being more honest with you. i'm glad you blogged the whole thing. that's a great break-up story.

Life out Here said...

I have a vibrate ring tone. That's mine. That's probably why I don't answer my phone 3/4 of the time... I can't hear it.

Oh, and I sprained my ankle really well today up at Snowbird. My first super great ski day in the powder, and I almost fractured my ankle. Way to go, G.

What are you doing? Amy, you look SO CUTE AND INNOCENT in that picture with that cop, ha ha!! Love it.

shimmyshimmy said...

i don't look so innocent in the pictures of me soaping his car. i should put those up on my blog...