Monday, January 28, 2008


i know you all think i am great and all but please allow me to burst your bubble.

yesterday, i was handed an opportunity to make a good first impression on a genuinely nice, normal, tall, good-looking guy and what did i do? talk about my repulsive eating habits and bowel movements while he was eating beans and rice at our burrito fest.

let's face reality.

the nice ones are too nice.

the geeks are too smart.

the peter priesthoods have sworn to celibacy.

the completely normal guys have already graduated from single wards.

the jocks are too obsessed with themselves.

the rage machines are... rage machines.

the rm's are only interested in talking about their mission adventures.

and the girls who act too much like themselves scare everyone away...

if they are me, that is.


Wednesday, January 23, 2008

call me cursed

i think me and the girls are cursed here in the potluck house, laie, hi. tonight kat and kiki my house mate and roommate, respectively, went out to a movie tonight and another dog appeared on the scene. i must disclose more details to complete the story.
recently, kat made an internet friend. yes, red flags already. he is a byuh alumni and seemed normal until he sent her a random package with- would you have guessed?- socks in it. she just brushed that off as weird but then few weeks later he left a note for her at her workplace saying 'to kat from john'. he then showed up to formally meet her for the first time, mind you, he lives on the mainland- in utah somewhere- so he flew out to hawaii for whatever reason- to stalk my kat, apparently. so he asked her to go to an mxpx concert with him that night and she didn't feel good about it and nicely turned the offer down. he pushed it a little but let her off with 'okay, i will take you to dinner tomorrow then.' when tomorrow rolls around (today) she still didn't feel good about it and told him she was just going to go to a movie with her roommate. that was a big mistake because he showed up at the movie and sat by her. during the movie he tried to make his move. she didn't know what to do so she just sat there stiff. after the movie he tried to give them a ride home but they turned him down, insisting that they could walk home. he pushed the matter but when they started to walk away he got all angry and slammed the door and drove off. as they were walking they noticed that he had circled the parking lot. they were both so nervous and scared about the whole thing that they didn't come straight home for fear that he would follow them and therefore find out where we live.



ingredients for a chocoholic:
1 almond snickers bar
1 piece of Romanian chocolate
2 chocolate creme puffs
chocolate ice cream cone
5 thin mints (girl scout cookies)
1 chocolate cookie with chocolate icing
1 twix

You all think I am kidding when I say I consumed all of the above in just one day. Someone should shoot me between the eyes....or send me more thin mints (when does girl scout cookie season begin?)

Monday, January 21, 2008

Martin Luther King Jr. Day Parade

I actually celebrated this holiday with a big bright smile on my face and a miss america wave. Yes, I marched in a parade. No, I am not black. But I AM a promoter of peace and that was the only qualification to march in the parade. We walked about 7 miles from Ala Moana Beach Park to Kapiolani Beach Park near Waikiki. It was a beautiful day and everyone was so nice to us- we even met the district representative of our area (Laie). She specifically sought us out and kissed us all on the cheek and took a picture. My cheeks were sore from smiling and my legs are cramped up from all the walking. It was a great way to honor the infamous promoter of peace, Martin Luther King Jr.

Sunday, January 20, 2008

I am resolute

yes, i made a few new year's resolutions and it is going pretty good so far. i have only verbalized my thoughts so i thought i would make them a little more concrete by posting them on the internet. now you can bug me about keeping up on them throughout the whole year. i am determined to get at least to febuary with most of them:

Number One

memorize a verse of scripture every week. i have passed off two already to kat and i just need to do this weeks today. i do this every sunday- so far there have been three sundays- i should have over 50 by the end of the year.

Number Two

learn new recipes and even invent some of my own. this is where i get totally awesome!! thanks to mom and her gift of the magic bullet i am in press-no stress cooking heaven!! i have learned to make pesto, fetticini alfredo and humus. just the other day i experimented a little and made shrimp chowder. it was good but i thought i could have done better. my roommate liked it. tonight i made ebi mayo o-nigiri. japanese-food enthusiasts would appreciate that one!

and Number Three

eat less chocolate.

Friday, January 18, 2008

Speech Lab

i started up work again at the speech lab this week and yesterday confirmed the reason why i sit in that office waiting for no one to come in day in and day out. a horde of students poured in yesterday and through them i got to travel to vietnam, taiwan, kiribati, china, and japan. i often forget how awesome it is to associate with students from all over the world. when jordan came to visit he reminded me of that- my ward is full of diversity. malaysia, austria, mexico, japan, australia, new zealand, hong kong, figi, tonga are just a few of the places that the faces are from in my ward alone. the student body at BYUH represents 70 different countries all over the world and for my job- i get to talk to them one-on-one.

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Soap Opera

Okay... I think things have died down enough for me to post this eagerly awaited story for all my peeps who are curious. This is a story that will be told for years to come...

dec 10
christmas love and cheer was in the air when wooden-u-like-to-know (my ex) surprises us with an early christmas gift. Because he frequented our apartment in those days he felt obligated to offer a gift for all of us living in the house. he presented a very large christmas bag (i have to admit i liked the bag better than the gift) and we opened it together.

drum role......

dora the explorer bathtime fun soap paints. (hmm, nice)

we all thanked him while thoughts of re-gifting entered our minds. what the heck are grown women going to do with bath soap paints...

new years day 2008
i received an unexpected email from wooden-you-like-to-know informing me of his 'spiritual journey' and discovery of the fact that he does not love me and never did, at that. he explained that while we seemed perfectly compatible and our relationship was very strong and healthy he only loved me in his head and not in his heart. apparently he had felt this way for who knows how long and was putting off telling me until the time seemed right- maybe after we got engaged- that would have been a good time too. he ended the email with a compliment, that i am perfect- just not for him, and counciled me to have faith that i will someday find 'the one'.

i called him and of course he didn't answer his phone so i left a message: "will you please call me back- we should talk about this. you owe me an explanation- i don't understand what is going on and if you have the tiniest bit of decency you'll call me back and explain yourself."
nothing. i called again. and again. and again. finally there was no dial-tone and it went straight to his voicemail signifying that he turned his phone off.

the next morning
after enduring a sleepless night of anguished sobs and sorrow, and trying to gain rational thought about the whole thing i sat down to reply to his email. as soon as my fingertips hit the keys, venomous words erupted on the monitor screen. two pages later i clicked send and went about my day of quiet pondering and lethargy.

late that night
i returned home from a long day of- despite the feelings of rejection- fun with my brother in waipio valley on the big island. needless to say it was a great place to spend such a hard emotional day. i sat down to check my email and sure enough out of the courtesy of his good heart, wooden-you-like-to-know had sent me another email this time explaining in more concrete terms why we would not be able to work out our relationship. yes, you guessed it, he met a girl. fell in love. and he is positive without a doubt that this girl is the one.


i suppose it should make me feel good to know that i was the girl who helped him know what he ...didn't...want.

2 a.m. sat, jan 12
while all were a-snooze and tucked warm in their beds the girls and I were wrapping up our man-hater party and preparing for some fun. what kind of fun you ask?

bathtime fun.

bathtime-soap-paint-on-his-CAR fun.

a driver, a photographer, an accomplice and i drove to the north shore to the spot of the crime scene and wrote some nice messages with white bar soap and then splatter painted with red, blue, yellow, and green. the deed took about 10 minutes. oh, i almost forgot the best part- we left a sweater i had in my possession wrapped up in the dora the explorer soap paint packaging with a note written on it that read: dear ____ , thank you so much of the dora the explorer bathtime fun soap paints!! it is the best christmas gift a girl like me could ever hope for! YAY!

11:00 a.m. sat, jan 12

knock. knock. knock.


i froze. i was sitting on my bed surfing the net while my roommate, the only other person in the house, resumed her position on the pot out of fear for the angry voice we cooperatively evaded. he called out again. for 10 seconds i quietly endured the sound of his gait circling the house and my own heart pounding. i summoned enough courage to peek out the window through the curtains only to see him still out in front of the house talking to his brother and circling his shiny, newly rinsed car.

11:05 a.m.
'another phone ring, another booblay paris or rome, i wanna go home'.
i let it ring.
'pin-pon', a voicemail.
i dialed my voicemail. a raging voice i have never heard before says, "OKAY, YOU NEED TO CALL ME BACK RIGHT NOW OR IT IS GOING TO GET REALLY UGLY WITH THE COPS!!"
no way, dude. i would rather talk to a friendly officer of the law than a raging maniac.

my roommate kat was inconspicuously walking toward the library when a sparkling clean car almost ran here over and called to her to get in the car. hesitating, but without protest, she jumped in the car.
"dude, chill out. i don't have my phone on me right now."
"no, actually it was my idea."
as he proceeded to unleash his rage on the undeserving kat his brother sat out of view trying to hold back a chuckle at the whole ridiculous scene. somehow kat got away with the last words from wooden-you-like-to-know being "I'M CALLING THE COPS!"

11:20 a.m.
without knowing what transpired between him and kat (remember she didn't have her phone on her) i sat in my room with my roommate questioning me about what was going on. she just moved in so i apologized for dragging her into this. we locked our door and i asked her to continue checking out the window in case his car pulled up again.
it did.
we both froze.
with hearts racing we hid near the windows out of sight.
he called into the house again and as he stomped around the house and near our window i reached for my phone to turn off the ringtone. close one. but he didn't call me.

11:45 a.m.
by now my roommate and i are thoroughly freaked out and just praying his rage and determination doesn't find me wishing i hadn't been so stupid to test it in the first place.
we hear a car pulling into the driveway. i made her peek out and she confirmed that it was a cop car. a huge sigh of relief swept over me and i unlocked the door and went out into the living room. he took his sweet time but finally came to the door. i opened it before he had a chance to knock.
"come in officer."
"are you expecting me?" he asked, surprised.
"yes, did [wooden-you-like-to-know] contact you?"
"yes, are you [shimmybaby]?"
(sorry, to protect my identity, i must conceal even my own name)
"yes would you like to come in?"
he looked at me conspicuously and then said he needed to go and get some papers and police report forms and for me to get out my ID.
he read me my rights before i told him what had happened and calmly filled out a police report. during the interview he got a report from another officer that confirmed that no damage had been done to the car except a dent on the front bumper that wooden-you-know had claimed was not there the previous day. so the nice officer asked me if i had kicked the car or hit it with something in which i confidently denied. i promised him that my intentions were not to do any property damage and the whole thing was just a prank. childish though it may be, it was all done in retaliation to his neglectful rejection.
he chuckled, stopped himself and then berrated me with "this is not right- you should not have done what you did... but it is really funny."
we had a good talk and he advised me on get a restraining order if i felt there was need. after assuring me that the case would not go anywhere unless there were any proof that i had made the dent in the bumper, he asked if i had any more questions. i did.
"do you mind taking a picture with me?"
he gave me a sideways look and laughed, "you're kidding."
"for scrapbook purposes," i made an excuse.
he kindly posed for a picture and said his goodbyes. dang i wish i would have got his number because i knew i would never see him again.


6:30 p.m.
while the roomies and i were cleaning the kitchen and living room (we had cleaning inspections that day) two men walked up to the door and knocked. i looked over from the open refrigerator door and as my heart started to race i rolled my eyes back to my rag and cleaning up of the gunk caked on the interior of the freezer. a voice i couldn't face exclaimed, "ALRIGHT, WE NEED TO TALK!"
all i could think to say was, "as you can see i am a little busy right now."
but that didn't stop him from tearing into me. and get this, as he is yelling at me- he has the gall to say he wants to get a restraining order on ME. who needs the restraining order? geez!
after he accused me of kicking his car and losing my mind he left with the classic line, "I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN!"
my rebuttal: "i feel the same way asshole!"

I only wish closure could be as sweet for all the rest of the women in the world. MEN ARE PIGS!

Saturday, January 12, 2008

Shimmy's gonna talk to the nice officer...

This nice gentleman came by today and we had a good chat. He laughed at my story and now I have closure. It feels so good to be gratified like this. Super cute, huh??

Dear Ryan,

Thank you so much for the Dora the Explorer Bathtime fun paints! It's the best gift a girl like me could ever hope for!! YAY!!Dr. Evil and I had the time of our lives! We had so much fun we emptied all the bottles just 15 minutes after opening them. Soap painting has never been this fun! Yay!!

Thursday, January 10, 2008


yes, we made it to heaven...and back. it was quite a trip...through mud, dogs, bamboo, fences, fallen trees.....such is life.
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Life goes on...

Yesterday was a crazy, crazy day. It was the first day of classes and the last day of Jordy's trip. He was here visiting for 13 days- I am sure it will seem like a dream for him because he returned to snowy, cold Utah. His last days here were so hot and sunny. It was so nice to have him come- but good for him to leave. No offense Jordy, but you wore me out!! We crammed all of what took me nearly a year of living in Hawaii into a short two weeks. WOW, I tell you what, wow!
I haven't been able to write about all of our adventures but I will try to write more as stories pop in my head. For now my head is cluttered with questions about what's next. I am glad I am going to have a really fun semester- I am excited about all of my classes (I better hold my tongue - I still have one I haven't been to yet). I am taking Tesol and Linguistics classes and Japanese Lit.
I just want to thank you all for your emails and love- I am really feeling it even across the miles. It is going to take sometime to get over what happened. A bishop once told me that it is like grieving the death of someone- when you share so much of your life with a person and you love them and then lose them you have to give yourself time to recover.
The girls and I are also going to have a drinking party this weekend. We are going to get IBC sodas and for every swig we are going to say something we dislike about men in general or specific guys and we are going to play angry girl music and when everyone is asleep we are going to have bathtime fun.... (more about that later)

Sunday, January 6, 2008

Big Island Adventure

Wow!!!! What a trip!

I hate men...

get this. i got dumped. turns out my boyfriend 'fell in love' with someone over the christmas break. she is apparently the woman of his dreams and they are going to live happily ever after.
i guess someone forgot about me. thank goodness he had the courtesy to tell me via email. what a cowardly putz. all men are pigs.
if you would like to dispute that my guest...
that's what i thought.